Never Insult a Fowl
by Kronprinzessin
Summary: When Angeline emerges from her insanity, she realizes that St. Bartelby's is not the school for Artemis, so she decides to send him somewhere else. Public school. There is one thing for certain. They won't know what hit them.
1. Chapter 1

So, this is version 2.0 of this chapter. I have made some changes to the chapter, and expanded it. I based this newer version on those **awesome** reviews that some of you have written to me. I do believe that I replied to everyone thus far, but if not, just let me know...

**Also, I changed the summary around, and as a result the story as well...**

But anyway, here is the summary:

When Angeline emerges from her insanity, she realizes that St. Bartelby's is not the school for Artemis, so she decides to send him somewhere else. Public school. There is one thing for certain. They won't know what hit them.

I am going to try my best to update once a week, though maybe a little sooner at the beginning.

Also, this story is set after the first book, though I may alter the timeline a little in the future. And before I forget...

Disclaimer: I do NOT own this. I may want to, but last time I checked I wasn't European. And my last name did not start with a C.

**...**

Before we begin the story, we must first understand who we are dealing with. There are only a few people, but they play a pivotal role in this story.

First of all, there is Artemis Fowl. There are many ways of describing him, but none will be able to capture his intelligence and cunning. The son of a Irish business magnate, who also dealt with some less than legal aspects of business, he is well-provided for. He also has the highest tested IQ in Europe, and quite likely the world. He is not that socially active, and his skin reflects this - it is decidedly pale. His raven hair is in a perpetual state of absolute precision, it seems that no hair is ever out of place. Many people have tried to understand him, all have failed. Many have tried to beat him. No one has succeeded, whether they were men, women, children, or fairies. Yes, you read that correctly, fairies. It is somewhat obvious by this stage that Artemis Fowl II is no ordinary person. Did I mention he was a teenager?

Next on our list of important people is Angeline Fowl. The wife of the deceased Artemis Fowl I (**A/N: Yes, I do know he lived in the series, but this is one of those things I altered...**), and mother to the current Fowl heir, Artemis II. She has a regal personality, and an air of confidence associated with rich and noble people. She was, and still is devoted to her husband, even in death. She sank into insanity after his death by the hands of the Russian Mafia. She recently emerged from her insanity thanks to the healing magic of the fairy people, and has begun to take interest in the world around her once again.

Two important people to this story, and key to the Fowl family's exploits are Juliet and Butler. They are the bodyguards of Angeline and Artemis respectively, and are also brother and sister. Their family has served the Fowl family since the time of Lord Hugo de Foal, several hundred years before. They are elite bodyguards, there are no replacements for them anywhere in the world. None can beat them in hand to hand combat, except one person in middle of the Pacific Ocean. They are the best bodyguards anyone can ask for.

Now that we know who we are dealing with, we can begin our journey into this world. Let us begin.

**...**

The sun rose high over the vast expanse that was Fowl Manor. The sky was filled with the beautiful rays that made up the sunrise. It was early in the morning, around six. But none of this was noted by Artemis Fowl II. After all, it is a little hard to notice light when you have blackout curtains covering your curtains.

If you look closely enough, you can see that Artemis is building a cell phone. If this was any other person this would seem only a little odd, but this was Artemis Fowl II, the least socially active person in the whole world. He is the type of "geek" that did this everyday of their lives - insanely smart and just as rich. The only people he interacted in his day were Butler, Juliet, and sometimes his mother, who was just out of her bout of insanity. She had recovered the week before, after Artemis had given away some of his fairy gold to the fairies, to recover her from the grips of insanity. The fairies had been delighted to get their money back, and they sent a large dosage of magic into the Fowl Manor area. It left everyone happy, and even Artemis was effected.

Angeline had went on a massive shopping spree, in which she had updated her wardrobe and spent more than what most people could earn in their lifetime. It had been over two years since she had last bought something outside from the citadel of her home. It had refreshed her mind, and the long time spent going through racks of clothes had let her think things about her, and also Artemis through.

By this point it is unnecessary to say that the Fowl's are rich. They are the richest family in all of Europe, which is saying something.

**...**

Artemis spent most of his late summer day on his new cellphone. He was building it for himself, so that he could hack into anything in the world from anywhere. According to him, it was quite tiresome to travel all the way back to his Manor just to steal a few million euros. His new phone was designed to infiltrate every security, banking, and telecommunications network in the world, which would be quite handy for any super-genius to use. It also would open the possibilities for him. As he finished the last bits of work, connecting that few wires that remained and sealing the case, he started up his new contraption.

"_This is Plutus 1.0. We welcome you to the world of money. Where would you like to transfer funds from?"_

Artemis could hardly contain his delight. He decided to test his system. As he typed in the bank from which he wanted to "borrow" funds from, he let out a maniacal laugh.

"_Transferring funds... Please stand by..."_

As the minutes ticked by, he began to get happier and happier, as his accounts got larger and larger. For people like him, the usually cold and uncaring, this was quite a major display of emotions.

"_Transfer complete. 1.9 billion euros stolen from the Bank of England. We hope you are satisfied. Good day..."_

Artemis shut down his phone as he exited his room.

Today had proven to be quite useful.

**...**

He entered the dining hall at seven that evening. He walked gracefully over to his standard seat at the table, where he sat everyday. By 7:15 everyone else had arrived, and they were also seated.

Angeline began the conversation with small talk about her latest shopping.  
"I saw the most beautiful ring today, in the jewelry store I was shopping in. It was set on pure platinum, and was quite expensive as a result." She continued talking about the rest of her day. "Arty, have you ever realized something major in an unlikely place?"

Artemis replied in the affirmative, he had done so on several occasions.

"Well anyway, when I was searching the clothing racks, when I started to think about your activities during my absence. Just yesterday I got a letter from the family lawyer informing us that our finances have increased by 200% over the course of the last two years. I also checked our corporate portfolio, they only increased by 23%. Do you know anything about this Arty?"

Artemis decided not to reply, he knew he could never lie to his mother. So Angeline chose another tactic.

"Butler, do _you_ know anything about this?"

Butler was an employee of the Fowl family, and was therefore compelled to answer.

"Um... Artemis has been involved in... some business deals. They have brought in millions of Euros, among other things."

The glare Artemis gave him could kill.

"Thank you Butler. I assumed as much." She replied, "I am also going to assume that you conned your teachers at St. Bartelby's into letting you make these trips to 'collect' this money."

When Artemis and Butler nodded, cautiously, Angeline continued with her line of thought. "If they will allow themselves at that school to be outwitted by a child, however smart he may be, then they are certainly not a good school for you."

"But there are few other schools who are as prestigious as St. Bartelby's in this part of the world. Where else would I go?" Artemis questioned.

"You can go to my old school, over in Manchester. I believe it was called St. Damien's..."

Artemis began to get worried when he could not remember seeing any references to the school in question. "That's odd. I don't remember any St. Damien's private schools..."

"That's good, seeing as St. Damien's is a British public school." Angeline replied.

"Did you say _public_?" Artemis spat the word with disgust.

"Yes dear, and before you start to get negative, I'll let you know that St. Damien's is a wonderful school."

"When am going to _that_ place?" Artemis asked with a glare.

"Tomorrow of course. Term begins in two days."

Artemis groaned. He knew he should have stayed in his room today.

"And before you get any ideas about sneaking away by ordering Butler around, I am sending Juliet with you, now Butler"

Artemis groaned again. While he could order Butler to do things, as he was his personal bodyguard, Juliet answered directly to Angeline.

"Now why don't you go to your room and get packed. You can take the family jet tomorrow." Angeline replied, ending all conversation.

**...**

_**Two Days Later, Start of Term:**_

Very few people get up early in the morning. However, both Juliet and Artemis are not those people. Artemis because he could work in peace, Juliet because she needed to be constantly vigilant, especially around someone like Artemis.

This is why both had been up for a few hours when it was time to leave for St. Damien's.

Juliet was driving as usual, she had gotten a license the year before and was perfectly qualified to drive the Fowl Bentley. At least on paper. She had gotten excited when Artemis informed her that she was going to drive the super car. It was certainly an upgrade from the old beaten up 1998 Toyota Corolla she was used to driving. Because of this, Juliet couldn't contain her excitement, and Artemis was starting to get nervous about letting her drive.

But unfortunately for him, when he was about to tell her this, they got onto the highway, and she floored the acceleration. It took him half an hour for him to tell her to reduce her speed from 97 miles an hour to a respectable speed, all while worrying about being arrested by traffic police. By then, they were arriving at St. Damien's along with every other student.

The car had gotten them a few stares when they pulled into a parking lot, this is only public school after all.

When they came to a stop, they saw a crowd gathered nearby pointing and staring. It was quite diverse, containing everyone from emos, to goths, and also the richer, more affluent children. They were in awe of the super car in the parking lot.

Juliet turned towards Artemis with a worried glance. They both silently agreed. It was going to be a long day indeed.

**...**

_Well this is chapter 1, 2.0. It has 600 more words than the previous version. _

_Don't forget to press the nice button that begins in a R, and ends in a -EVIEW!_

_Thanks!_

_-Kronprinzessin_


	2. Chapter 2

Hi everyone! Don't kill me just yet, it took a little while for me to get an idea for the second chapter. Also, I was overwhelmed by school, something which has never happened to me before, so that took a little getting used to. But anyway, let's get the Show on the road before you kill me.

Disclaimer: Do I really have to do this?

* * *

Artemis stared at the mob gathered out of his door. They continued to stare, unabashedly at Artemis, and continued to do so until Artemis sent them his glare of death.

Once the group outside his car dispersed, Artemis and Juliet stepped out and began walking towards the antiquated building which was the Central Office.

As they walked, they were the subject of much gossip amongst the grape vine of St. Damien's.

"_I bet he's a vampire, just look how pale he is…"_

"_Maybe he'll sparkle in the sunshine!"_

"_Or maybe he's quiet and mysterious, like Jasper.(1) I love you Jasper!"_

Artemis calmly ignored them, as he did often around members of his age group.

Within a few minutes, Artemis and Juliet reached the entrance to the Office. Once they stepped inside, they noticed an ancient room which looked as if it hadn't changed since 1940. And to complete the stuffy old look, there sat a fossil-like woman at the front desk.

In her gravely, old voice she said, "Hi dear, how may I help you?"

"I'm here to pick up my paperwork…" replied Artemis.

"And who may you be?"

Artemis stoically stated, "I am Artemis Fowl II."

The woman shuffled through the myriad of papers stacked upon her desk, until she found the item she was looking for.

"Here you go honey," she said in her sickly sweet voice.

"Thank you ma'am."

With that, Artemis hurried off out of the room, leaving Juliet behind to pick up her corresponding papers.

A couple of minutes later, Juliet caught up to Artemis.

"Gee, thanks for waiting."

Artemis chose not to reply, for at that moment he noticed the time.

"I need to get to class now!"

"What class do you have?"

"Pop culture. Apparently the school believes that there needs to be at least one class that the majority of the population can pass."

"I feel your pain… I have Chemistry."

"Try not to blow anything up this time, we don't want any repeats of your last visit to St. Bartleby's."

"I'll try my best," Juliet said, as she turned and walked in the opposite direction as Artemis.

* * *

Artemis stepped into the classroom right as the bell rang, and calmly walked over to his seat, ignoring the looks and stares he received from the other members of the class.

The teacher walked in a few minutes later.

"Hello class, I am Dr. Balkenstein, and today starts our Pop Culture Class! But first we have a new student that I want you all to meet. Artemis please introduce yourself."

Artemis stood up and walked to the front of the class.

"I am Artemis Fowl II, and I am heir to the Fowl fortune. I have the highest tested IQ in all of Europe, and there are several rumors about my involvement in the criminal underworld. I am now going to put those rumors to rest, by officially denying those rumors. (2)"

The class broke out into whispers at the "unique" introduction.

Artemis then proceeded to walk back to his seat and stare in boredom as the class went on.

Midway through the period, a loud BOOM echoed through the building. Several girls, and even a few guys shrieked.

Within seconds the loud piercing wails of the fire alarm cascaded throughout the building. The entire class screamed and ran out of the building flailing their arms, the exact opposite of the regulations and rules suggested by the school.

* * *

When the entire school had evacuated outside, Artemis could hear shouting coming from the other side of the crowd.

"WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BLOW UP THE CHEMICALS?"

"It was **so…** shiny, I just had to mix them together!"

"BUT...IF…UN….ARGH!" screamed the administrator in frustration.

The crowd parted as Artemis strained to see the perpetrator of the explosion.

To his surprise it was none other than Juliet.

He murmured to himself, "Somehow I am not surprised," he said, shaking his head.

After Artemis had used his influence to convince the administrators that she hadn't actually meant to kill or maim anyone, and that she was not a terrorist but just a 'very easily distracted' person' they were allowed to go.

Classes had been cancelled for the rest of the day as the janitors attempted to do some preliminary repairs to the totally wrecked chemistry lab.

But it was not the threat of litigation by the school which scared Artemis the most. It was calling his mother to tell her of what had happened.

While he was thinking of what to say to soften the blow that Juliet had blown up part of the school, his phone rang.

His face immediately paled as he saw the caller ID.

"_Angeline Fowl"_

It said in its crisp digital font.

He opened it up to hear his mother's voice excitedly ask him, "How was your day at school honey? Did anything interesting happen?"

He replied, "Nothing that interesting mother, just a couple of annoying teenagers here and there, and also just a small explosion in the chemistry lab, nothing major…" Then he realized what he had said.

"EXPLOSIONS? What happened?"

"Juliet saw the shiny chemicals, and decided to make more shiny chemicals by mixing them. It sort of blew up the chemistry lab, and the entire wing around it…"

And with that he hung up on his mother, rather than have her explode from the news.

"Why do something today that you can do tomorrow?" he asked himself.

* * *

So how did you like it? I plan on having another chapter by the end of the fortnight, which should be doable considering school holidays begin in two days.

A/N:

– (1) If you don't get this Twilight reference, I would ask if you are either anti-social or just a person who has been scared away by all the bad gossip surrounding the Twilight series.

(2) You know what they say in Washington (or any Government for that matter), it's never true until it's been officially denied.

If this chapter seems a bit rushed, give me a few days and I'll have it updated and expanded. I just felt a need to have something published tonight, so I put this out.

Kronprinzessin.


End file.
